Post by Lilo on Dec 19, 2008 22:11:28 GMT -5
|x| Ice |x|
|x| This balance has weighed
out our heart's desire.
I'm trying to make it alone.
Well it's not like it hurts
that much anyways. |x|[/right]
A gust of cool winter wind brushed gently against my coat. My chocolate eyes stared out at the ocean searching for something more. I felt a wave crash onto my paws as I glanced down at the rock I was standing upon. My tail hung limply at my side as my eyes showed my emotions clearer than day. My eyes showed defeat and hopelessness. I was like a walking zombie at this moment in time. I had no emotion other than lost hope and a painful defeat.
I had broke my promise to Crystal to stay in the clan's borders but I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't pretend to be apart of a clan that I didn't support. I couldn't smell Craze's scent anymore. I was going insane as I lived a lie. I had to escape from that prison so I left. I had left my home, my once great friend's side, and Crystal to escape the pain I was being put through. It didn't matter that I lost Layla as a friend, that Craze was the lead male of the Bronx Clan, or that I had no home anymore. All that matter was that I broke my promise to Crystal.
I wanted to go back and pretend like I never left. In my heart, I wanted to return to the Bronx Clan. I wanted to be a functional normal member of the Bronx Clan for Crystal. I couldn't force my feet to move in the direction of the Bronx Clan though. I couldn't force my feet to lead me back into a world of misery that I use to call home. I couldn't force myself to be a normal member either. I was trying so hard to be something that wasn't a monster. I was trying to be everything Crystal should be loving. I was trying so hard to make myself perfect for her and failing miserable at it. I couldn't even keep a simple promise that I made to her.
My mind slowly went through all the dreams I had once had. I wanted to be the best police force canine around, I wanted to be a good leader, I wanted to be apart of a good clan, I wanted to murder Hollow, I wanted to protect Crystal, and now I wanted to be everything Crystal should have. My old dreams didn't matter anymore though. I didn't care about being the best or the most feared around anymore. I didn't want to be apart of a clan. I didn't want to kill anymore. Instead of being the best, I wanted to be the best for Crystal. Instead of being apart of a clan, I wanted to be with Crystal. Instead of killing, I wanted to love.
My whole life right now was either about or for Crystal. Call me pathetic all you want but I don't care. I wasn't a machine but I had dreams, hopes, and emotions. I wasn't a murder but a lost soul who was trying to find their way. I wasn't pathetic either but I was just hopelessly in love.
People say that love ruins the best of people. I didn't understand that until I started to fall in love with Crystal. I didn't see what I was doing until I met her. I didn't see the destruction I had created until I met Crystal. I understand the rumors about me bring a machine, a monster, and a murder now. I hate it. Crystal 'ruined' my desire to kill and replaced it with the desire for justice. Crystal destroyed my old life and replaced it with this. To be honest, I preferred this life compared to a life of murdering. I preferred to be a pathetic dog compared to a murder any day now.
Crystal didn't ruin me though. People who wanted me to kill might say she ruined me but she didn't. Crystal only made me better. She opened my eyes and showed me the destruction I had created. Crystal showed me my old life of honor and justice before I entered the streets. She made me see that a life of killing wasn't for me. Crystal taught me about emotions and how I couldn't hide them. Most importantly, Crystal showed me how to love and care for something so much that I would rather die than let the creature down.
I took in a breathe as I shut my eyes gently. Crystal had gave me so much and I had nothing to return to her. I couldn't teach her anything she didn't already know. I knew that I wasn't the right guy for her. She should have the dog in the world to love her. Maybe I should disappear without a single goodbye. Maybe it was for the best if I left her to find her perfect guy and live her life. It would be better that way than being around me. She would be happy and carefree.
My eyes started to fill with water just from thinking of leaving Crystal. I sucked it up and wouldn't let the water escape from my eyes though. If it was better for Crystal, then I should suck it up. I shouldn't worry about what I feel but what is best for her. I had ruined her life that she desevred so much more of. I had to fix the problem I created even if it was going to be the death of me.
